AFC EAST

2005 Final Standings

Patriots: 10-6-0
Dolphins: 9-7-0
Bills: 5-11-0
Jets: 4-12-0

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
Will this season be the last hurrah for the 3-time Super Bowl Champion dynasty of the Patriots? Many are unsure, though with the departure of several core players, including Willie McGinest and Adam Vinetari, and with the key remaining players not getting any younger, indications may point towards this season being a do or die one for New England. If they can return to the Super Bowl, Coach Bill Belichick may seal his place in history as the modern day Vince Lombardi. To help ease the aging process, Coach Belichick brought in touted rookies RB Lawrence Maroney and WR Chad Jackson, and himself received buttucks implants in the offseason.

Football Sunday Fantasy Expert Tom Buelle has announced that the New England Patriots are his hands down pick to win it all, with or without the presence of star holdout WR Deion Branch. Tom is so committed in this belief that he told one insider after several cold ones that he would abstain from any sexual relations until Coach Belichick hoists the Lombardi trophy in February of 2007.










Key question for Pats fans - How is it to root for a team whose leader and QB fashions himself far more as a Matt Damon type than a Ray Nitschke?










MIAMI DOLPHINS
Entering just his second season as coach of the Fins, Nick Saban has turned Miami from a perrenial disappointment into a favorite to go deep into the playoffs. In large part this is due to the free agent acquisition of Daunte Cullpepper coming off a near career ending knee injury and a subpar start to the 2005 campaign. Should Daunte return to his former success, look out for the Dolphins to possibly represent the AFC in the Super Bowl against the Giants. Others note that the loss of headache Ricky Williams will be crucial to Saban's ability to run a more fluid and successful unit. Ricky Williams and his buddy Chris Zukas fled authorities and crossed the border into Canada where they currently co-own a succesful coffee shop.







In spite of a thick rap sheet and the presence of gun and armed-robbery charges, the Dolphins signed free agent exiled Hokie Marcus Vick to try out as a WR. Despite having some big plays in preseason games the Dolphins cut the troubled Vick though later signed him to the practice squad.



When asked for his thoughts on Vick, Rick Fromberg stated that people are grossly over-exaggerating his downside and criminal history and recommended him as a quality roommate.




NEW YORK JETS








After an extremely disappointing 2005 campaign, the Jets have brought in Bill Belichick disciple Eric Mangini to helm Gotham's younger brother franchise and provide them with a heightened level of disipline and intensity as the New Sheriff in Town. 2006 presents countless questions for the Mean Green faithful. Most notable of which is whether QB Chad Pennington will be able to overcome his small arm complex and injuries and return to the Pro Bowl form he once reached and Jets fans have long since forgot. If not, former Joe Gibbs castoff Patrick Ramsey and rookie QB from Oregon Kellen Clemens are waiting in the wings.
Who will fill in for the tremendous Hall of Fame shoes of 2003 Rushing Champion and the NFL's 4th All-Time leading runner, Curtis Martin, who faces a possible career ending injury? To temporarily fill the void, the Jets have brought in former San Fran rusher Kevan Barlow (after foolishly failing former Hokie great Lee Suggs on his physical), though with this in mind, one has to wonder if the Jets made the right move by not making a bigger push in last April's NFL draft for Reggie Bush in favor of shoring up their O Line with D'Brickashaw Ferguson and Nick Mangold.

2005 also saw a highly publicized moment involving the most famous Jets player ever. Joe Namath, took a page out of Dustin's Gordon's legendary macking playbook, when on national television while in a drunken stupor he told Suzy Kolber that he wanted to kiss her. Namath later drunk dialed Kolber 9 times between 2 and 3 in the morning resulting in a restraining order.


One thing is for sure though, the Jets (and their fans) will take it up the rear in 2006.









BUFFALO BILLS
Under the front office brain trust of former Coolidge White House staffers, Ralph Wilson and Marv Levy, the Bills have been a franchise spinning its wheels and facing a severe identity crisis since its golden years of the early 1990's. Despite the emergence of standout running back Willis McGahee and the return of Pro-Bowl linebaker Takeo Spikes from an early season ending injury last season, all indications are that the Bills are several years away from a postseason birth and that the jury is still out if Coach Dick Jauron will be able to provide this organization with the sense of direction it crucially needs.

The last 5 years have brought Bills fans to new levels of disappointment, embarrassment and an overall lack of satisfaction only ever previously experienced by Kira Colvin.










Curiously, when faced with the opportunity to overcome this shame, the Bills did something the Gordon sisters would never do and passed on pretty boy and future All-Pro QB Matt Leinart in the 2006 NFL Draft and selected drafted Strong Saftey Donte Whitner, currently third on the depth chart.










In light of this move, the Bills present and future rests in the unsure hands of former first-round pick J.P. Losman (left).







CELEBRITY GUEST PICKS

Patti Fromberg - (screaming) PATRIOTS. That Tom Brady reminds me of my Richie. By the way, if you see Richard tell him to take his medicine.





Dustin Gordon - Celtics! This is the year Lee Trevino finally wins the Heisman and delivers the Fighting Irish Lord Stanley's Cup.






Chad Pennington's Mom in West Virginia - Dolphins, that is unless Chad goes down with another yellow belly injury, then my pick would be the Jets. P.S. Don't y'all tell Chad that I've been sleeping with Patrick Ramsey.





Nicole Anderson - The Patriots will overcome and conquor the infadels who will suffer like the Pig scum they are.







My cousin and founder of the suburban gansta movement, DJ Stickle - Jets are kickin mad flava in my ear and their cheerleaders are a bunch of big booty hoes. Aight. Dustin tell yo sistas I said whats up playa.







Star of TVs Life Goes On, Actor Christopher Burke - Bills. Dustin, tell yo sistas I said whats up playa.










Pete Stickle:

Patriots: 12-4-0
Dolphins: 10-6-0
Jets: 3-13-0
The Buffalo Bills are now on the clock.